Archive for December, 2006
A blonde was bragging …
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state
capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said,” go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them.”
A red head said, “O.K., what’s the capital of Wisconsin?”
The blonde replied, “Oh, that’s easy, ‘W’.”
Last wish…
A dying American soldier in a battlefield hospital in Afganistan: “How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die”
Nurse: (Extremely touched by the soldier’s patriotism): “I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don’t mind”
Soldier: “Of course I wouldn’t mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish”
The nurse took off her panty and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
Soldier: “Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?”
A middle aged woman had a heart attack …
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, you have another 40 years,2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years.
Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognise you.”
The Blonde & Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “I’ve heard just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde says, “You stay out of this, Mister! I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”
Blonde year review
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Couldn’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn’t fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said “2-4 years”.
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered “C.”
October - Hates M &M’s because they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn’t call 911 because there was no “11″ on any phone button.
